So after the last two months of experimenting with Life Without Social Media including topless outside reggae drinking and Bed Drinking I knew I was gonna have to pull out all the stops to think of yet another exciting activity to keep you distracted from your virtual online lives. This month I have researched and discovered the brand new practise of Scottish Upside Down Tent Neat Rum Drinking. For this activity you will need.
1 x large outdoor music festival. (Preferably in Scotland). However you could at a push get away with one located elsewhere but its more exciting when theres driving rain.
3-4 x crates of lager (these will serve as good breakfast and also fill in the gaps where your body decides you need to have a rest from drinking the neat rum)
Several bottles of rum. Any variety will do as long as either has a pirate, boat or something to do with Jamaica on the label. (these are international rum identification signs)
1 x tent (will be made upside down later dont worry)
1x car to sit in and also store things in.
A fucking big bag of crisps.
1x phone to lose
1x cool box to ensure everything is bare cold OBV.
1x Scottish Child to be bullied by
Several Welsh people
Choose a weekend period in which to make your scottish trip. I would defnitely advise checking first that there is a large outdoor festival happening at the same time. We chose Wickerman festival a medium sized festival near Dumfries in Scotland. Aim to arrive for the start of the festival it makes sense and gives you a larger amount of time to engage in scottish upside down tent neat rum drinking. If you're feeling a bit nervous id reccomend warming up in the car with a few cans of lager.
When you arrive at the site check that your in scotland. This should be quite easy you will have an overwhelming irresistable urge to replicate every scottish accent that you encounter in an extreme way. Once you've checked thats all in order its almost time to take out the rum. At this point you have an important decision to make. If your feeling energetic you can take the time to set up your tent. However you may want to, in the words of middle class southern students "Law it Blad". We set up our tent 'cos we're cool like.
So once you've set up camp, checked your location you may feel it would be a good idea to familiarise yourself with the festival site, however under no circumstances should you do that. Do not look at any of the festival site until you are more drunk. Otherwise you will not find it as exciting. However under the right conditions what appears as a field with some stalls selling hats and haggis stall when sober is capable of blowing your preconceptions of reality apart and taking your scottish upside down tent drinking to a whole next level.
So before you can ascend to that level. You need to go down the golden brown path of neat rum drinking. Pick a nice comfortable location. I chose the front seat of a Vauxhall Astra however you could go for a patch of grass, a tent whatever takes your fancy. Our friend "Dave" did discover whilst pioneering the Scottish upside down tent neat rum drinking technique that it isnt advisable to lie down in any sort of area frequented by Event Security. They don't take kindly to it and the excuse im "resting my eyes" excuse just doesnt really wash. Using that excuse can lose you your wristband and then you are fucked literally.
Once you have attained a safe, comfortable location you can begin to drink your rum. Now in normal rum drinking in our social media driven society it is customary to drink the spirit in conjunction with a mixer beverage such as coca cola, ginger beer or my own personal tipple orangina. (please note you must shake it in order to wake it). However when drinking carrying out scottish upside down tent drinking its imperative that no mixer is used. Because of your lack of Social Media it is very important that you ingest much more alcohol much quicker than normal to distract you from the withdrawal symptoms which so often come into play when you realise there is no like button in real life.
Now at this point in our research something went a bit wrong. We defnitely have a strong recollection of opening the rum and drinking it until the level reached somewhere about halfway down. I then theres a brief blank patch and according to my next memory it was night time, we were no longer in the car and we were now drinking Absolut Vodka also from the bottle unmixed. I believe I may have blacked out from extreme Social Media withdrawal.
Once you've recovered from the intial withdrawal. It is time to implement the festival in your activities. The best way to do this is wander, using your legs, in an aimless fashion round and round in circles. You may lose your companions but dont worry they will come back at some point. Try to see it like theyve gone offline on MSN but theyre coming back dont worry. That analogy should help you to keep calm.
During our aimless wandering we chose to be bullied by a child in the vicinity of a large man made out of sticks. (see right...)
However you may want to watch a band, go on an extremely overpriced and most likely lethal fairground or as Dave chose to do. Eat haggis. Excessively!
Continue these sorts of past times until around 6-7 AM. If you administered your rum correctly you should find youself in a field at this time still satisfactorily sedated. Be careful to not go to near to any scots Scottish people hate Twitter and they hate Iphones (unless they're battered) and they can smell your tweets from a range of 3 ft. PLEASE bear this in mind. Otherwise you could be murdered. No Joke.
Once you've reached this step It is time for the final hurdle of your Life Without Social Media weekend. Get one of your party to climb into the tent and go to sleep. Then proceed to dive on the tent and rotate it so that it is underground whilst it still contains your friend. With this complete your entire Scottish Upside Down Tent Neat Rum Drinking experience is complete. Now go and log on...